Five years ago, I lost my son and from that moment forward it feels as though I’ve been suffocating. I can’t tell you how often I cry. I’ve cried a river of tears. If those tears were stored like water in an ocean or sea; I’d surely drown in them. Sadly, the grief is sometimes so overwhelming that I often have to remind myself to just breathe...
In an instance, my son’s life was tragically taken and my life viciously shattered-into small pieces. Many days, I feel angry, lost, disappointed, frustrated and hurt. Thankfully, I don’t feel bitterness, hate, or envy. Notably, I could and most will argue I should. But it takes a lot of energy to feel those things. Sometimes I don’t know how I am going to face another day or just get through the day. I am constantly in search of strength and answers. Many times it feels as though my strength has run dry and my vision blinded. I can’t see anything good in this. Yet, I know that I have to be strong and trust God. I can’t allow this to defeat me. My own mental health is at stake. To this end, I find myself pulling strength from places that I didn’t know existed. This tragedy has tested my faith, trust, patience, character, and my strength! It’s made me look back into the past and question what I want for my future. I can’t go back into time but Often I wish I could. I would build a wall around those that I love ❤! I would wrestle with Death and take back everyone and everything that I have lost.
My son suffered with a mental illness and for a long time I didn’t know how to help him. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for him to feel misunderstood. I know that I can’t go back and get a redo. In these moments, God is allowing me to help others like my son. He’s allowing me to share my son’s story, so I can recognize His Holy presence. In these days a still small voice says “Just Breathe and know that I am here!”
Life cam be hard and sometimes painful but we. Must keep going and remember to trust God and Just Breath….
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